ask twinkly! A new feature in which yours truly answers the burning questions of the day
Q. Is it illegal to use bank deposit slips for anything other than making a deposit into one’s bank account?
A. Yes, but the offense carries less of a penalty than removing a mattress tag.
Judges are especially lenient if the deposit slip was used for writing a love note.
Special consideration is also given to writers, as they are known to have psychological problems. However, if a resulting poem or prose piece is maudlin, drafty, churlish, peevish, overly flowery, or pithy, all bets are off. I have seen such cases prosecuted to the highest letter of the law.
Q. Is that guy’s haircut that way on purpose?
A. No, he woke up with mattress head and does not have a mirror in his domicile. His tiny car mirror is not large enough for him to see his whole head at once, so he has no idea he looks that way. Please treat him politely, as you would if he did own a mirror.
Q. Will the current trend in facial piercings know an end?
A. As each generation vies for increasingly more unique beauty modifications, the next trend is bound to be in attaching dinnerware about the face and head. Pots and pans will be reserved for only the most bold and daring citizens who live on the fringes of society.
Unlike the recent popular body modifications which are merely decorative, the trend will be toward objects that have a practical use. Just yesterday, I witnessed a young college student at an open mic with napkins strung through her earlobes, one on each side. She was seen to wipe a tear with one during a particularly moving poem that was read to a moving ukelele accompaniment.
Q. Should I add wet ingredients to dry ingredients or vice versa?
A. It depends on whether you are north or south of the equator. Also, if the recipe calls for any of the nut butters, you must reverse the directions.
Q. Is it appropriate to wear a tampon dress to a Passover Seder? What about Easter dinner at Gramma’s?
A. The Yves St. Laurent tampon dress is always in season. Never question your fashion sense when it comes to wearing anything that is off-white, knitted, and adorned with bows. Built-in snood is a bonus for those north of the Mason-Dixon line where the temperatures hover around 45 degrees F even in summer.
That’s all for this week. If you have a burning question be it about anything under the sun or over the moon, remember to ask twinkly!