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Posts Tagged ‘oral gratificates’

I didn’t watch Oprah much, but once a few years ago, I tuned in and she was saying that one of her pet peeves, or maybe what she considers rude, is gum-chewing. I guess people who are chewing gum when she’s in conversation with them? Well, what’s good for Oprah is not necessarily what’s good for the rest of us.

I am not sure whether chewing gum is good or bad for you. I hear reports of both. Good because it actually cleans away stuck food particles (gross!) and it exercises the jaw muscles (that would include masseter, buccinator, obicularis oris). I have even heard that it can make you look younger; no, not because you are engaging in a teen-agey activity, but because it exercises and lifts the muscles in the front of the neck. This is obviously bullshit information put out by secret agents of the chewing gum industry, but I will take it as true because I am getting a turkey neck, and jowls, to boot. Chewing gum may be my only hope against aging because I am not getting plastic surgery! I also have deep gullies on either side of my mouth. Maybe chewing actually makes these gullies more pronounced?

What are the downsides of chewing gum? I will not discuss something so negative and abhorrent on Thankful Thursday. Blasphemers!

If the flavor of gum isn’t enough for you, you must admit that popping bubbles is extremely satisfying. There is no compare orally, really, and I’m not just fishing for you to think sexual thoughts. I don’t chew bubble gum, but I love smacking regular gum into tiny, crackling bubbles. It makes driving around on errands not only bearable, but enjoyable. My car, my time, my gum.

Here it is, in all its beauty. The original Dentyne.

Look at it, damn it! Okay, so the photo’s a little blurry. Use your imagination. It says right there “Taste the Tingle.” C’mon, my god. What a bold and sexy little bit of enticement. And it’s all true. The package limited to only 3 colors. It’s pure genius.

I have found a source for original Dentyne. I also have a source for Beemans, Black Jack, Clove, and Teaberry. Usually I engage with the Teaberry or the Dentyne. Heaven! I never dug that new crappy Dentyne. And Big Red, no way! I occasionally pop a cinnamon disc in my mouth from the candy bowl at the front desk at the insurance agent’s office. Even those have lost their luster. But not Dentyne. It is a true and reliable friend. Maybe it’s made in China out of garbage, though. I don’t know. Are they going to come after me, the Dentyne police, for suggesting this? I wish they’d just offer me a lifetime-supply for plugging their product. Then I would be a proud and rich Dentyne whore and I would live in a palace made of Dentyne wrappers! YES!

Why does the store where I get my Teaberry charge only 25ยข a pack (5 sticks) but charges a buck a pack for Beemans? It is an outrage. In spite of this, I will, on occasion, treat myself to the Beemans. Like during the week of my birthday (hint, hint).

Gum. Yum. Grateful.

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